Healthy Relationships

Several weeks ago our small group was enduring an attack on the relationships of our members. Every couple in the group was bickering (or worse) and interpersonal relationships had been strained. Instead of continuing on with our normal study of Revelation, I took a week to talk about how to maintain healthy relationships. I had preached a sermon on this sometime ago and went looking through my files trying to find it. Even Google Desktop could not find it on my machine (I wasn't surprised because I thought I had lost the soft copy in a hard drive crash). It is the best sermon I have ever preached and I knew the material would be relevant. I was crushed and disheartened when I could not find it.

I muddled through the material that night. One of the good things about it being the best sermon that I ever preached is that it has stuck with me. Now, I couldn't remember some of the details and some of the mnemonics that I had employed, but I remembered the principles. The class was not nearly as good as the sermon.

Anyway, I am using Microsoft's somewhat new tool (it was released on Sept. 1 of this year) called SyncToy to create a backup of my laptop to my home machine and a back of my home machine to my laptop. While browsing to determine which directories I did not need to backup, I STUMBLED ACROSS MY LONG LOST SERMON. Oh Joy!!!!

The sermon looks at the "Armor of God" in Ephesians 6:10-18 and shows how each piece is designed to protect our relationships from spiritual attack. Many people look at that section of Ephesians and apply it only to their personal struggle with sin or to "spiritual warfare" in general. It is my belief, though, that "Armor of God" section is a specific remedy to protecting the relationships within the body. It has a very specific application.

This makes sense if you read the whole book of Ephesians in one sitting (preferably out-loud). One can quickly see that Paul is writing the church at Ephesus to deal with a very specific issue: Unity. The first half of the book (ch. 1,2,&3) deal with unity in Christ and the second half of the book (ch. 4,5,&6) deals with unity in the body of Christ. Think of it like this: the first half of the letter deals with the theory of why people in the church should be unified and the second half shows very practical ways to be unified. Paul even takes time to highlight the problems in specific types of relationships (wives and husbands, children and parents, bosses and employees). It is after all this that we have the "Armor of God" section. It only makes sense to me, then, that the "Armor of God" is specifically designed to thwart Satan and his minions' attempts to disrupt the unity of the church.

You can either read the rest of this post where I transcribe my sermon outline into real paragraphs (and filled out some spaces in the outline) or you can just download my outline and the accompanying handout.

Introduction

Jesus is a uniter, Satan is a divider. Many of Paul's letters to the early church gave instructions on how to relate to one another, how to build relationships. Paul understood that in this life, it is not good to be alone. Paul knew that we must stick together as a group, or we will fall as individuals.

We know that relationships are not easy. Marriages mandate work to remain strong. Friendships need time together to be effective. Relationships require maintenance or they fall apart.

The question, then, is how can we maintain relationships? What can we do to ensure that we are united as families, friends, and as a church? God has given us all of the principles we need to answer this question when he invoked the imagery of armored solider in Eph 6:14-17.

6 steps to maintaining strong, healthy relationships

1. Cultivate an environment of openness

Paul starts by telling us to "Let the truth be like a belt around your waist." - 6:14 (CEV). A belt does more that just keep your pants up. It keeps things together. It keeps my shirt tucked in. Do you remember seeing pictures of kids going to school having bound their books together with a belt.

We must make sure that we put off falsehood and speak truthfully in our relationships. Openness and honesty gird us together while misunderstanding and hidden motives divide us. When we know that a person is speaking honestly to us, we don't have to spend time trying to interpret their words and formulating our clever response. Instead, we can spend time truly listening and truly responding to their needs.

What things, then, do we need to be open and honest about? Good question. Our feelings. Our hurts. Our struggles. Our sins. Confession is an integral part of being unified. An environment of openness also allows for us to be able to reproach each other (Remember to speak the truth in love though - Eph. 4:15).

Many churches have a great method in place to achieve this goal through small groups. Small Groups are a great way to get involved in this kind of activity. When we moved to Hunter Hills and were looking for a small group to join we were invited to many small groups. We visited many of them and, you know, they all had one thing in common...they all thought they were the best small group! If you are not involved in a small group, you really need to get into one.

2. Emulate a life of purity

Next Paul teaches that we need "the protection of right living on your chest" - Eph. 6:14 (NCV). Living a pure life not only protects our heart from hurt, but it also protects the hearts of those around us. The consequences of our sins ripple through our relationships, affecting every person in our circle of influence.

The effect of sin on an individual is a hardened heart and a loss of sensitivity to your fellow man (Eph. 4:17-19). When you no longer care about your neighbor, you are willing to hurt him to achieve your own goals and desires.

3. Radiate a spirit of peace

The next piece of hardware we need to protect our relationships we are told about is "For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News, so that you will be fully prepared." - Eph. 6:15 (NLT).

Fully prepared to do what? Move in the direction God wants you to. Where there is confusion, there is lack of direction. We've all been in situations like this. An emergency happens. All communication lines are blocked. No one knows what to do or where to go so people run around in all directions. Confusion reigns supreme.

The truth is that you need peace and order to make decisions.

Also it is hard to hear God if there is too much noise around you. God's Spirit will speak to you to minister to people in the ways He has gifted you. That ministering is a relationship building-block. If there is so much noise around you that you can not hear and follow the promptings of God, then those relationships won't be built. In Satan's eyes, a relationship building block not laid is as good as one torn down.

4. Eradicate all feelings of doubt.

Satan knows that if he can keep us doubting, then he has rendered us ineffective in completing the work laid before us. So he sends "Arrows of Doubt" raining down us. Paul encourages us then to "Take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." - Eph. 6:16 (NIV).

There are many different "Arrows of Doubt" that Satan posses in his arsenal. Here are a few common ones that I have experienced and that I have seen and are destroying relationships within the body of Christ.

Maybe he has pelted you with an Arrow of Doubt that you are loved/appreciated/needed. You get pierced and question why are you working so hard for people who don't love you? What am I making the sacrifices of time, family, and money only to have those sacrifices taken for granted? Maybe you look around and evaluate your ministry and say to yourself, "Self, you're not making an impact. No one would miss you if you were gone. You're really not important or needed here." So off you sulk. You leave your ministry. You leave your influence. You desperately want someone to notice you are gone, but actively push people away who ask you about it with non-committal niceties. When you walk away, you have been rendered ineffective by the Enemy. Our faith acts a shield because as we maintain a confidence in the reality and power of God then we are assured that we are loved by God and his people (John 14:12, 13).

Maybe he has shot an Arrow of Doubt that we fit in. Humans have an intense, God-given desire to belong. When we surround ourselves with people, yet still don't feel connected to them, then we feel as if we don't fit in. We will break from that group and go looking for another group, another group of people more like me. However, at some point we will discover that we don't fit in with this new group, and off we go again, searching for something better.

The fact is though, that we all feel as if we don't belong at some time in our lives because we are all unique individuals. Our faith acts a shield because as we maintain a confidence in the reality and power of God then we are assured that we are uniquely and wonderfully SHAPEed (a combination of Spiritual Gifts, Heart/Passion, Aptitudes, Personality, and Experiences from Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Church") to be in this place at this time (Isaiah 64:8).

The last common Arrow of Doubt that I want to cover today is the one where we don't think that we are good enough/making a difference/have anything to offer the church. "Who am I?" we ponder. "What skills do I have?" "I'm nowhere near as smart as _______. I don't have the time that _______ has. I can't do ________ that _________ can do." This Arrow of Doubt renders us useless because we never even start to do anything. In this case, our faith acts a shield because as we maintain a confidence in the reality and power of God then we can be assured that we are good enough and that we will make a difference because it is God's power (Eph 3:20), working through us that makes us able to meet the challenges of the direction God is taking us.

5. Concentrate on shared traits

The fifth step in maintaining healthy relationships is to "Accept salvation as a helmet." - Eph. 6:17 (GN). See, Hats and helmets are symbolic for identity. Firemen all wear the same helmet. Baseball players on the same team all wear the same hat. In the military there is distinction among your headgear. You have black berets, green berets, and red berets. Each different color and style marks a group of people as belonging together.

Paul is saying it is our salvation that marks us as belonging together, it gives us a shared identity. "In Christ, there is no difference between Jew and Greek, slave and free person, male and female. You are all the same in Christ Jesus" - Gal. 3:28 (NCV).

Whenever differences arise in our relationships, we have a choice to make. Do I focus on the difference? Do I focus on the similarity? According to Paul, our salvation gives us an identity so powerful that no difference can wedge itself between us. We have irreconcilable similarities. We are all "heirs of salvation." We are all "Sons of God." We are all "saved by grace."

6. Retaliate with words of Scripture

Paul's final piece of armor is our offensive weapon. He tells us that "for a sword use God's message that comes from the Spirit." - Eph.6:17 (CEV). This is the only offensive weapon and shows that we must be proactive in keeping the unity by keeping our hearts and minds focused on the scriptures of God. When we are pursuing God's perspective and guidance through scripture, we can not be focusing on Satan's lies or our own selfish ambitions. We must keep our sword sharp and use it.

This means forming a habit of having a daily quiet time. One my friends in college had a hobby of fencing. She would practice daily with her foil, going through the motions of a bout. She was keeping her skills sharp